• Anarchist Milk Collective

In which aliens comes and Nicolas Jaar saves the day

When they first came there was mass hysteria. The world panicked. Were we prepared to deal with an alien civilisation? Was there global stability enough to deal with another external threat? If their desires were hostile, what would be the implications for the planet?The general consensus was that we would be royally fucked. Not only were tensions between countries stretched to their absolute limit, meaning any discourse between the globe’s different factions was all but impossible, but these aliens had traveled

a great distance to get here. They had superior technology. There was no way we would be able to protect ourselves.

And so the world waited in anxiety as the ship hovered over Reading; watching with bated breath. Slowly, the initial buzz that had surrounded the arrival of the large egg shaped ship began to dissipate. Maybe there were no aliens on board - if there were, surely they would have reached out to us by now. What could they be planning up in that inter-galactic vehicle all the way up there in the sky? And as the excitement began to die down, it was replaced by a general apathy- what had once been hailed as a cataclysmic event had turned into another disappointment. World tensions that had been put on hold at the prospect of a world changing event were once again resumed, as people drew breath once again.

So seamlessly had the egg blended into everyday life that in truth many people had forgotten its existence. When young children would ask their parents why the egg hovered over Reading, the reply would come “because it does”. There was not seen to be any reason to its present and the world learnt to accept it. As the world’s apathy churned on and on, there became fewer and fewer people who even remembered its coming. Its arrival grew into a distant memory. Until one day, the egg hatched.

It was a normal Tuesday, when suddenly, a loud crack that echoed around the entirety of Western Europe, awoke the world from its slumber. There was no mistaking what that cacophonous sound must have been. The ship must finally be opening! The world’s attention was once again gripped as all media sources raced to cover the unfolding of this miraculous event. The egg had a large crack in it, circling the top third of the egg. The spherical peak of the egg began to pulsate, and as it did it was accompanied by a large tap, tap, tap, interspersed with cheaping.

Finally, the top of the egg gave way and millions of tiny ducklings came pouring out. Bright canary yellow. Millions upon millions of them. All tiny, normal size ducklings that have freshly hatched, descending the sides of the egg in unison. If it had not been for the vast number of them there would have been nothing unusual at the sight of them. As it was, the world was shocked and stood open mouthed staring at them - dumbfounded. They wouldn’t have been able to run if they could, so confused were they.

The ducklings, as they landed, began to fall into a formation. The process took some time as there were so many of them, but eventually they were arranged in nice neat rows, with one duckling stood out in front, who led the ranks down towards the citizens of Reading.

Now, unfortunately, because the egg had hatched so suddenly no one had taken any time to formulate an action response plan. As such, there was no official party there to meet them, just people stood, waiting for something to happen. The chicks had clearly anticipated this reaction, and were not deterred in approaching the first person they could see. As it happened, that was Amanda, who lived in Reading, and had been able to come to the front of the crowd to get the best view when the egg had hatched.

“Greetings” the leading chick cheaped at Amanda. “Who are you?”

“I’m … I’m Amanda” Amanda stuttered, so shocked was she to have been selected as the first person to greet alien life forms on Earth.

The chick smiled kindly and twisted its head to one side. “No doubt you’re surprised at seeing us here. We would have liked to disembark more quickly, but we had to learn the language of the people of Reading before we could disembark.”

Amanda nodded.

“Anyway, we won’t keep you long,” the duckling continued. “We were just flying past your galaxy when we heard an artist called Nicolas Jaar being carried on radio waves towards our ship.”

Amanda looked at the duckling blankly.

The duckling, undeterred, ploughed on, “We really liked it, and we were wondering if we could get a pen-drive, or something, with some more music on. You see, we don’t have any music quite like that on our planet.”

Now the request was so simple that within a few days the ducklings had been given as much ambient-electronica to satisfy their heart’s desires. As the pen drive was handed to them, the millions of ducklings cheaped in gratitude, then turned to reboard their ship.

As they were going, Amanda approached them once more (for she had been chosen as the official delegate because it was just easier that way).

“Wait!” She exclaimed, “Is that all you came for? Do you have no advice or help for us as a planet?”

The duckling stood silent in quiet contemplation for a moment, then said, “You guys have really good music. You should all dance more. It's crazy that everyone is so unhappy when there is so much to be enjoyed on your planet.”

And with that they left.

Now, there had been a lot of coverage on this whole story globally, and Nicolas Jaar became a well known name simply because the alien-ducklings liked his music. Anyway, people who had never heard his music before were suddenly compelled to put aside their differences with the world so everyone could dance happily together. Even the really bad people, like Kim Jong Un said “Oh swear, I have never heard this music before, but, now I have, I think I’m just gonna dance a bit more often, be happy and stop this whole dictatorship thing.”

Donald Trump went to a rave where Nicolas Jaar was playing because he liked it so much. He took some ecstasy and had some really great chats with some really great people who persuaded him that environmental concerns were real so he decided to stop spending money on the military and started fixing the environment, and funding the arts more.

And with that, the world was happy and danced together to Nicolas Jaar.

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